Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
