PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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