So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
