walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
