I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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