I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
