Umm I'm too high to move.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
