yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
