my vag is so smooth its legendary
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
