theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
