At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
