fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
