Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This house was built for laser tag.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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