why didn't you poke me back
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
