Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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