Acid is not a monday night drug
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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