i need an iv and a liver transplant
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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