i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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