So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
