dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
