Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
