My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
