U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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