and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
