walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
