You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
