the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
