I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
