Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
