rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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