i was born a porn star she said
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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