I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
