I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The feeling are messing with the penis
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
