Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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