I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
