you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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