the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And then the night went full on bisexual.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
