did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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