Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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