How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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