Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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