Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
farters have to be the big spoon...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
