There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
