I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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