So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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