I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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