I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
