nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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