My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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