If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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