just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
