his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
