from now on my penis is your penis
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
