I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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