cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
