You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
