There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
